Taco Burrito Theory Episode 5: Global Crisis Imminent! Or The One with Aliens & Talking Gorillas

Taco Burrito Theory Episode 5: Global Crisis Imminent! Or The One with Aliens & Talking Gorillas

Global Crisis Imminent (TBT Episode 5)

Taco Burrito Theory Episode 5: Global Crisis Imminent! Or The One with Aliens & Talking Gorillas

This story is part of a series:

Taco Burrito Theory Episode 1: Taco Burrito Theorem 101

Taco Burrito Theory Episode 2: Burrito Tuesday

Taco Burrito Theory Episode 3: Burrito Expansionism 404

Taco Burrito Theory Episode 4: Takosuburito

Taco Burrito Theory Episode 5: Global Crisis Imminent!


>>>THE GROUP (Read: Crazy Evil Bad Guys)<<<

Somewhere deep underneath a stark warehouse building in an abandoned industrial section of the city, a group made up of affluent & secretive individuals who planned to take control of the entire world were called to an emergency meeting.

“Thank you all for coming on such short notice. I’m sure you’re all aware of what’s at stake here. We have to start to escalate our plans. I’m going to get right to it – the guerrilla fighters we enlisted are out of pocket. We need to move to plan B and fast. We need to find an outspoken billionaire to win the presidency.”

Nine people and one animal – five men, four women, and a service parrot – were seated around a steel table in a room surrounded by thick concrete walls. The room’s door looked stronger than what you’d expect leading into a bank’s vault.

The tenth person in the room, Catherine Baker, the woman who was speaking to group, stood opposite the impenetrable door. Behind her two bird-sized drones buzzed around and projected images and videos onto the back wall.

“Plan B already? I thought we had more time,” one of the members said.

“I agree. Are we sure the guerrillas are of no use to us anymore?” Said another.

“We’ve run through the scenarios a thousand times. We’re out of options here,” Catherine said.

The people around the table began to murmur to one another. There was a whooshing sound of pressure releasing and the locks on the door began to slide open.

Seymoor Fandanglesburgerstein entered the room in a hurry. He placed his briefcase on the table, his eyes glued to the drone-projected slides on the wall with a pensive expression.

“No, no!” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said. “If we taco this when we should have given it a full burrito, we’re all screwed! Dammit! Screwed!”

“Nice of you to join us, Professor,” Catherine said.

“We can’t change direction like this. Not now. We needed the guerillas to finish what they were supposed to do before moving into Phase 2. No, this is not going to work. Dammit, dammit, dammit,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein pounded his fist against the table.

“Maybe, Professor, we wouldn’t be in this situation had your beloved theory panned out like you promised us it would,” Catherine said.

“I just need more time!” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said.

The group had been hearing the same excuse for the past 20 years. And in that time, while indeed bringing valuable insights and direction to the group, Professor Fandanglesburgerstein had failed to harness the true power of the original Taco Burrito Theory. Even he himself had begun to doubt its existence. His life’s work felt like a fraud.

“If… When I uncover the Taco Burrito Theory, we’ll have everything we need. The guerillas, this ridiculous presidential candidate, all of it will be unnecessary,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said.

“Until then, Seymoor, the guerillas, the candidate, that’s all we’ve got,” Catherine said and Professor Fandanglesburgerstein finally sat down.

The group, known simply as The Group, was formed by Seymoor Fandanglesburgerstein and Catherine Baker about 20 years ago. Their goal was simple; gain control of all aspects of world government, economy, culture, and religion. Their ultimate end to all of that was supposedly up-leveling the intelligence of the collective human-race in order to make contact with intelligent life on other planets and to find and inhabit a new Earth. The kicker was the whole part where they planned to handpick select members and segments of the population. They planned to create and control an Earth and Human Race 2.1 (2.0 being when we got iPhones).

The Group’s plan was formed shortly after Professor Fandanglesburgerstein had heard stories of the Taco Burrito Theory – the original one that was crucial in England’s colonization of the New World, and America’s eventual independence. He learned of its power and unbridled possibilities, regardless of the means or the ends.

Bits and pieces of the Theory could be gleaned from the stories that had been passed on over the years, but the complete, original theory was still the best-kept and best-guarded secret of all time. Over the years, Professor Fandanglesburgerstein worked to reverse engineer the theory to unlock its true potential. But without the original text and teachings, the Taco Burrito Theory that Professor Fandanglesburgerstein had been practicing was no more powerful than that one VHS tape, book, and DVD-set that taught you to just think about something really hard and through the powers of the cosmos or whatever, all your hard-thinking would attract whatever you wanted your way… for a few installments of $49.95 at least.

Professor Fandanglesburgerstein’s Taco Burrito Theory was, unfortunately for The Group, really nothing more than a popular elective course among stoners at the University. And at such a crucial moment in their plot, they were simply tired of hearing about it.

“Catherine’s right, Seymoor, enough with the Burrito Taco stuff until you’ve got something solid. It’s not amusing anymore,” Deborah VanWinklesworth said.

“Not amusing,” echoed her service parrot. (Deborah was a wealthy oil baron. She made her fortune finding oil in 3rd world countries and extracting it no matter the cost. It often meant disease and a destruction of the way of life for the local communities. Naturally, she didn’t have many supporters outside those on her payroll. Her doctor diagnosed her with Chronic-Unlikeability-Disorder with symptoms including no one having your back and speaking up for you. To help cope with her disease, her doctor signed off on a service parrot that would echo things Mrs. VanWinklesworth said. It helped her feel liked and supported.)

“It’s called the Taco Burrito Theory, Deborah. And if you had invested as much time into researching and studying it like I have, you’d appreciate its true power,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said.

“Honestly, Seymoor, enough with the Taco Bullshit, for now,” Deborah said.

“Not amusing,” squawked the parrot.

What was amusing was what actually happened with the guerilla fighters that The Group was funding and that caused the abrupt change in plans.

A member of The Group made contact with the leader of the guerilla fighters through a message board somewhere hidden in the dark web. The guerillas claimed they had an interest in disrupting the powers that be in a handful of countries whose falls were crucial to The Group’s ultimate goals. It seemed like the perfect partnership.

Money was wired and promises were made. After more transfers and more promises, the guerilla fighters went silent. The Group was confident that they’d gone underground while preparing to roll out their attacks, but after more time passed and still nothing came from the them, it became clear that the guerillas we no longer willing to cooperate. Not that they’d ever really started.

What The Group didn’t know was that the “guerilla fighters” was actually an imaginative 12-year-old Japanese kid who just happened to be really good with computers and needed some money for the latest video-game console and a whole bunch of GINSENG FIST! energy drinks.

The presidential candidate, on the other hand, was unfortunately, real.

>>>THE GUARDIANS (Read: The Good Guys/The Good Janitors)<<<

“Do you think aliens exist?” Bobby Fernandez said.

He and Arturo Hidalgo-Juan Carlos were leaning up against a wall outside Anderson-Memorial Auditorium Hall waiting to clean up after the last class was dismissed from AMAH304, Taco Burrito Theorem 101. They still had about 45 minutes to wait.

“They might,” Arturo said.

“Hey, what ever happened to that other guy who was here with us that one summer?” Bobby said.

“That guy? He won the lotto, remember?” Arturo said.

“Oh, yeah. Lucky…” Bobby said. “Hey, Arturo?”

“Yeah?”

“What ever happened with your whole journey for your lost family history thing?” Bobby said.

The double doors to AMAH304 flung open, and a tall, older man wearing a tweed suit and carrying a briefcase rushed out.

A few moments later, the students followed.

“Why do you think he stormed out like that,” one student said to her friend.

“I don’t know. His phone beeped and he looked at it, and he was gone. He didn’t even say anything. Weird… You want to go get tacos?” her friend replied.

Arturo, who was recently bestowed the honor of protecting the true Taco Burrito Theory, was not leaning outside AMAH304 coincidentally. He knew that Professor Fandanglesburgerstein was in search of the true teachings and he knew he couldn’t let him discover them. Arturo began to walk in the direction that Professor Fandanglesburgerstein was headed.

“Arturo, where are you going? We’ve got a classroom to clean,” Bobby called to him.

Arturo kept walking and Bobby sprinted to catch up.

“Hey, Arturo. Where ya going?” Bobby said again.

“I’ve got to follow this guy. If you want to help me, fine. If not, here, take my mop,” Arturo said.

“Wo, wo, wo. You never wield another man’s mop, Arturo. Come on, dude. I’ll help you,” Bobby said.

Arturo and Bobby got into Bobby’s car. Arturo directed where to go.

“I can’t see him, man. How do you know where to go?” Bobby said.

“Trust me. Just keep driving,” Arturo said.

The pair ended up outside an abandoned warehouse in an abandoned industrial district. Sure enough, Professor Fandanglesburgerstein’s car was parked outside.

They entered the building to find it completely empty and dark except for a service elevator shaft illuminated by a flickering light. The elevator had just left.

“The elevator’s gone,” Bobby said.

“We wait,” Arturo said leaning over the dark shaft.

“Hey, you should really step back from there. It’s pretty dark,” Bobby said.

“Hold on.”

“What are you doing?”

“Counting.”

“Counting what?” Bobby said.

“Ten floors,” Arturo said. “The elevator stopped ten floors down.”

“How do you know that?” Bobby said.

“I told you, I was counting,” Arturo said. “Every time it passed an opening on a new floor, the light flickered. I counted ten.”

“Okay, so now what?”

“We wait. Let’s go back to the car.”

About an hour later, Arturo and Bobby slunk down in their seats as ten people and a parrot emerged from the warehouse.

The group was silent save for the parrot that kept squawking, “Taco Bullshit. Taco Bullshit.”

The Group’s members got into their cars and pulled away.

“We go,” Arturo said.

Arturo and Bobby made their way back into the warehouse and towards the elevator. They rode it down to the tenth basement floor.

The elevator doors opened up to a hallway leading to a single door illuminated by bright white lights around the edges.

“That door looks solid, Arturo. What do you want to do?” Bobby said.

“See that locking mechanism on the side? That’s made out of a synthetic titanium polymer,” Arturo said.

“A what?”

“Do you have any cleaning supplies in your car?”

“Well, yeah, I’ve got my bucket. There should be a whole bunch of stuff in there. Hold on.”

Bobby ran back to his car and returned with his cleaning bucket.

“I don’t know, Arturo, this hallway looks pretty clean to me,” Bobby said.

Arturo began unscrewing the lids of a few of the cleaning solutions from the bucket. He emptied one of the bottles on the ground and began mixing the rest.

“Hey! You shouldn’t waste that stuff, man. The University has me paying for my own supplies with all the budget cuts stuff. You owe me a new one,” Bobby said.

Arturo stopped mixing the bottle and screwed a spray nozzle back onto it. He began spraying at the locking mechanism. He made his way around the door with the spray bottle and stepped back.

A whoosh of pressure releasing broke the silence in the hallway.

“We’ll want to step a little further back,” Arturo said.

The heavy door creaked once and began to slowly lean forward. It came down with a thunderous crash at Bobby and Arturo’s feet.

“How did you? What is? What the hell, man?” Bobby said.

“I’ll get you answers, Bobby, but first we got to figure out what was going on in here,” Arturo said.

As the pair stepped into the room, the two bird-sized drones buzzed to life and started flashing a red light.

“INTRUDER. INTRUDER. INTRUDER,” both the drones repeated.

“Shit, Arturo, what do we do?” Bobby said.

Arturo ran to the bucket and grabbed a towel. He twirled it up tight and whipped the drone on the right side of the room. The towel snapped and the drone ricocheted off the concrete wall and went flying into the drone on the left. The alarms stopped.

Arturo wrapped the drones in a towel and placed them in the bucket.

“We’re going to Japan,” Arturo said.

>>>THE ANSWERS (Read: The Answer is Always in Japan)<<<

“Headshot! Got you, mothafucka!” Hakuro Sakamoto yelled and raised his arms above his head. “Who’s next?”

Hakuro sat cross-legged on a busy sidewalk in Tokyo facing a giant electronic billboard affixed to the side of a massive skyscraper. He was playing a shooter game on his phone that he was streaming to the billboard he hacked. The bigger screen made it way more fun.

“Hakuro, let’s go!” Hakuro’s mother walked out of the grocery store with an armful of grocery bags and nudged her son with her foot.

“One more?” Hakuro said.

“Now.”

Hakuro left with his mother and the electronic billboard returned an error message.

Hakuro and his mother returned to their small apartment in one of the many tall apartment complexes. Hakuro was a very resourceful kid, which also meant that Hakuro was a very happy kid. His natural talent for manipulating computers turned the world into his own virtual playground.

That afternoon, he sat at the window looking through a pair of old binoculars towards the high-rise apartment complex next to his. He giggled and reached for a piece of sour candy and washed it down with a gulp of his favorite energy drink, GINSENG FIST!, with one hand still holding the binoculars.

He was watching a cartoon his mother didn’t like him watching on the big screen TV in the window in the apartment across from his. The people in the apartment were looking at and around their renegade TV, scratching their heads trying to figure out why it wasn’t responding to the remote inputs.

Hakuro’s mother walked into the room and grabbed the binoculars from him. She scanned the building and finally stopped on Hakuro’s cartoon.

“Hakuro! I told you not to do that anymore,” his mother said.

“Yes, sorry mother,” Hakuro said.

He had a habit of getting himself into trouble by messing with people’s televisions and computers and such. But aside from the whole dark-web and assuming the identity of a dangerous guerilla commander and extorting money from The Group thing, Hakuro was pretty harmless.

That was until he spotted Arturo and Bobby walking down the street inspecting the drones they captured through his binoculars.

“Ohhh! What are those?” Hakuro said to himself looking at the drones through his binoculars. “I’ve got to go, mother. Be back later!” Hakuro called to his mom in the other room. He grabbed a can of GINSENG FIST! for the road and bolted out the door.

“How are we going to get these back on?” Bobby said to Arturo.

Both of them were still inspecting the drones.

“I don’t know exactly, but I know who to take them to,” Arturo said.

The pair was headed towards Master Kito’s dojo atop the giant misty Japanese mountain forest. Surely Kito, with all his wisdom and age would know what to do with the stolen drones.

Hakuro followed Arturo and Bobby unnoticed all the way to the base of the mountain. He hid behind a tree while Arturo and Bobby removed their shoes and disappeared up the giant staircase that twisted up the mountainside. He popped open his can of GINSENG FIST! and started up the stairs after them.

“Where…Are…We…Going?” Bobby, breathing heavily, asked Arturo. “And why’d we leave our shoes?”

“Just a little farther now. Trust me, you’re going to be glad I brought you.” Arturo said. “And the shoes… because gorillas.”

“Yeah. Gorillas. Okay,” Bobby said.

At the top of the staircase, far above the clouds and the mist, and surrounded by dense bamboo forest, Master Kito’s ancient dojo appeared. Bobby and Arturo arrived in the middle of one of Kito’s routines – one legged, eyes closed, balancing atop a tall bamboo stalk with a mop in hand. The gorillas gathered around the perimeter to inspect the new comers.

Master Kito back flipped off the bamboo and landed in front of Bobby and Arturo.

“Mr. Hidalgo-Juan Carlos, welcome back. I see you’ve been taking your mission seriously,” Kito said, inspecting one of the drones.”

“And this is-“ Arturo started to say.

“Bobby Fernandez,” Master Kito said. “I know you’ve been searching for answers about the ancient Janitorial Arts.”

“How do you? What are? Who are you?” Bobby stuttered.

“I know the answers to many things, Mr. Fernandez. The Janitorial Arts are an ancient form of self-defense, mindfulness, and cleanliness. I’m Master Kito,” Kito said.

Master Kito and Arturo brought Bobby into the loop. They told him about the Taco Burrito Theory, why the Theory was hidden for so long, and how they needed to protect it from people who would use the powers of the Taco Burrito Theory for evil. It all made sense, really.

“Now on to the matter of these drones,” Master Kito said. “They were from Seymoor Fandanglesburgerstein you say?”

There was a rustling from the brush near the top of the staircase. Hakuro burped up a loud GINSENG FIST! belch from behind a bush.

“Whoops!” He whispered to himself and covered his mouth.

Hakuro got up to move to a new hiding spot, as he went to take a step he tripped over an untied shoelace that his other foot was standing on. Hakuro came crashing through the bushes and fell face first into the dirt. He pushed himself up and shyly climbed to his feet.

A thunderous sound rose from the other side of the dojo grounds and grew closer. In an instant, five large male mountain gorillas surrounded Hakuro, each one snarling and growling and pounding on the dirt.

“Your shoes! Quickly! Remove them!” Master Kito shouted.

>>THE ANSWERS CONT. (Read: Really Particular Gorillas)<<<

Hakuro reached down and ripped off his shoes and threw them aside as quickly as he could. The giant gorillas slowed their breathing and calmed down.

“Who are you?” Arturo said.

“I’m Hakuro Sakamoto, Master of Computers!” Hakuro said proudly.

“Ah yes, young Hakuro, I hoped our paths would cross one day,” Master Kito said. “It seems that time is now. Though this is all happening sooner than I expected.”

“How’d you get here?” Arturo said.

“I saw you with your drones, so I followed you,” Hakuro said. “Never seen anything like them before, they’re cool!”

“Well if you really are the Master of Computers, maybe you can get them working again,” Arturo said.

The largest gorilla was watching the entire exchange. He had a furious look on his face. Master Kito stood in silence, looking back at the gorilla. As Arturo handed Hakuro one of the drones, the giant gorilla began a slow angry stomp towards the group.

“Oh shit! Should we run?” Bobby said.

“Shhh,” Kito said raising his palm to silence his friends.

The gorilla came toe-to-toe with Master Kito, towering over the small, old man. The gorilla continued to growl and show his teeth.

“We had two simple rules, Kito. No shoes, no electronics. What the hell, man?” The giant gorilla said.

“Did he just…?” Bobby said in disbelief.

“No, no, you know what, I’m not done. The shoes and electronics aside. Every time you bring guests here, Kito, you offer them tea. You ever offer me or any of the other gorillas tea? Well, do you? No, no you don’t. So, today, I’m putting my foot down. I’m tired of this shit,” the gorilla said.

Arturo, Bobby, and Hakuro stared at the giant gorilla with their mouths open and eyes wide.

Master Kito stood his ground with his hands clasped behind his back.

“I hear you, Mikio. Are you finished now?” Kito said to the gorilla.

“His name’s Mikio?” Bobby said.

“I’m done. Yes, sorry,” Mikio the gorilla said. “The shoes, man, they really threw me off. I just really hate shoes. I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright. And you remember what happened when you tried the tea?” Master Kito said. “You were sick for a week.”

“Oh yeah. You’re right. I broke your teacup too. My hands are too big,” Mikio said.

“Hold on, guys. Can we please address the elephant in the room, here,” Bobby said and threw his arms up.

“Gorilla in the room. I’m a gorilla, dummy,” Mikio said.

Master Kito started laughing.

“This is Mikio,” Kito said. “A student and protector of the Taco Burrito Theory as well.”

“The Taco Burrito Theory can teach animals to talk?” Arturo said.

“The Taco Burrito Theory?” Mikio laughed. “No, I was abducted by aliens.”

“Really?!” Hakuro said.

Mikio lifted up his leg to show some strange markings on the bottom of his foot.

“Alien tattoos, dudes. I’m just glad they didn’t try to put anything in my bum,” Mikio said. “And, hey, sorry for freaking out on you about the shoes, little man.”

After everyone came to terms with a talking, Alien-abducted giant mountain gorilla, Hakuro began working on the drones.

He took them inside where he sat cross-legged in the corner, first inspecting the machines from all sides with an inquisitive look and his tongue out. After a few minutes, Hakuro’s face lit up and he began tinkering with a tiny circuit board on the underside of one of the drones.

Suddenly, the drone buzzed to life and began hovering in front of the dojo’s wall. He quickly got to work on the second drone.

With the two drones in working order, a clear image of the details of The Group’s plans was displayed on the dojo’s wall.

“You don’t think that would ever work, do you, Kito?” Mikio said with a mouthful of spicy noodles.

“Those make you sick too, Mikio,” Master Kito said. “The world climate may just be working in their favor this time around. It’s a fortunate thing the guerilla fighters didn’t pan out for them.”

“Who needs guerillas, when you’ve got gorillas!? Am I right? Am I right?” Mikio laughed and coughed on some noodles.

“They still haven’t found the Takosu No Buritō Riron, so we’ve got nothing to worry about,” Arturo said.

“Evil men have a funny way of achieving things. I fear our mission has finally come to a head,” Kito said.

“But they could never succeed. Could they?” Arturo said.

“While they’ve failed to harness the power of the Takosu No Buritō Riron, they have managed to gain great influence over many of our world’s powers and resources. This presidential candidate of theirs, may just help nudge their plans into fruition,” Kito said. “They’ve managed to get this far without the Taco Burrito Theory. Imagine what would happen if they were to find it.”

A small red light on each of the drones came on followed by a low beeping.

“Shit! Are they’re tracking us? Is that thing recording?” Bobby said.

Master Kito tossed two dirty dishrags in the air. They each fell on the drones and the drones fell to the floor, buzzing around under the weight of the soggy rags. Mikio walked over, still eating his spicy noodles, and stomped on the drones.

“Buzz off, fuckers,” Mikio laughed and continued eating.

“Could they track us?” Arturo said.

“I think so,” Hakuro said. “Those things were pretty cool!”

>>>THE SHOWDOWN (Read: Now The Group Knows Where to Find the True Takosu No Buritō Riron, Uh-Oh!)<<<

Catherine Baker sat behind her desk. Professor Fandanglesburgerstein sat on the other side. The two were sitting in silence, both deciding their next best move and what to do about the missing drones.

Catherine’s phone buzzed and she opened the notification.

“We’ve got a fix on the drones,” she said. “It looks like a boy, two janitors, an old guy, and… a gorilla.”

“Let me see that,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said and grabbed the phone.

He starred at the tiny screen and began to smile.

“What is it?” Catherine said.

“Do you know who that is?” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said.

“Who?”

“That’s the great Master Kito. I’d heard stories about him, I never thought he actually existed.”

“And?”

“Master Kito is said to have full knowledge of the true Taco Burrito Theory. He was there during its discovery – somehow. If Kito exists, so does the theory. If we get to Kito, we unlock the true powers of the theory I’ve spent my life searching for.”

“Okay, great. And we need those drones back too,” Catherine said. “I’ll assemble a team.”

“I’m going,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said.

“Fine.”

Catherine Baker had secret ties to the NSA and CIA. Through her contacts, she put together a skilled team of black-ops agents – each one with big beards, towering over 6’10” and barely able to fit through doorways. These guys were usually sent on the black-ops missions that didn’t have to be carried out quietly.

They were equipped with night-vision goggles, heavy artillery, explosives, and body armor. Professor Fandanglesburgerstein, an average height man with a slender build, was dwarfed in comparison to the agents – even smaller when he was slouching under the weight of his body armor.

The team flew into Japan at night. They landed in the fields of the farm below the mountain. The heavy mist turned to rain as the stealth helicopter’s propellers created waves through the air, sending water in all directions.

“We’re going in loud, boys. Commander Baker said no witnesses,” one of the agents said.

“Guys, I don’t think that’ll be necessary. Let’s get what we came for and get out. Quick and quiet, right?” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said.

“Hostile!” the agent yelled.

Two figures slowly approached the helicopter from the farmhouse across the field. The agents opened fire and the figures fell to the dirt.

“Holy shit! What’d you do that for?” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said.

“No witnesses, sir. Go confirm the kill. Destroy the farm,” the agent instructed his team.

Moments later, a huge explosion rocked the valley floor. The dark misty night was interrupted. Bright orange and yellow flames and black smoke could be seen from the dojo atop the mountain.

“They’re close,” Master Kito said. “Mikio, will you rally the other gorillas to help?”

“I’ll gather them now,” Mikio said. “I’ve got a good feeling these fucks will be wearing shoes.”

“Hakuro, get inside the dojo and hide yourself. Master Arturo, Bobby – grab whatever you’ll need. Let’s prepare.” Kito said.

“Master Arturo?” Arutro said.

“You’re ready,” Master Kito said.

Hakuro found a hiding place inside the dojo. Kito, Arturo, and Bobby ran inside the dojo to grab the cleaning supplies of their liking. Master Kito – a mop. Arturo – two large window squeegees. Bobby – an armful of rags and a spray bottle of cleaning solution.

Mikio assembled himself and the other male gorillas in the tree line around the perimeter of the dojo.

The sound of heavy footfalls grew louder from the giant staircase. The lead black-ops agent motioned his team to stop when he stepped on and crushed an empty can of GINSENG FIST!

“We’re close. Go in loud. On my lead,” the agent said.

They emerged from the bushes and immediately began unloading their weapons on the dojo. The ancient stone structure slowly chipped away with each piercing round.

“Reload!” the agent yelled.

The gorillas pounced from the tree line, disabling all but the leader of the black-ops team. The agents that remained conscious were rocking back and forth on the ground in pain.

Professor Fandanglesburgerstein was curled up and crouched behind a tree near the stairs. He had pissed himself. The lead agent was the only threat that remained.

Bobby snuck through the bushes towards the Professor. He sprayed the cleaning solution on one of his rags and approached Fandanglesburgerstein from behind. He raised his cleaning solution soaked rag and grabbed Fandanglesburgerstein in a headlock, pressing the rag to his face. Professor Fandanglesburgerstein passed out.

He dragged him from out behind the tree into the dojo’s clearing.

Arturo and Master Kito stepped out from cover towards the remaining agent, whose gun was still raised.

“We’ve defeated you. There’s no more need for violence here,” Master Kito said. “Gather your men. Leave now.”

The gorillas slowly emerged from the tree line and inched towards the heavily armed agent.

“Drop the weapon, get on your knees,” Arturo said.

The agent scanned the clearing. He was definitely outnumbered, but he didn’t see any weapons and it was mostly animals. The agent laughed and aimed his gun around.

The gorillas all took a step back.

Master Kito raised the mop in front of him and began to charge the agent. He flipped and lunged through the air.

The agent aimed his gun and fired. The shot echoed through the mountaintop forest. Master Kito fell to the floor.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” Arturo yelled and furiously hurled his window squeegees towards the agent.

Like nun-chucks or ninja-stars, the squeegees cut through the misty air and pummeled the agent in the side of the head. He fell to the ground.

Mikio gave out a angry cry and ran towards the agent and began pounding him with clenched fists.

Arturo ran towards Master Kito on the ground. He knelt down beside him and propped his head up. Blood trickled from Kito’s mouth. There was a bullet hole in his chest.

“Master Kito, please, stay with me,” Arturo said. “We did it, we beat them.”

Master Kito slowly opened his eyes.

“You. You are a natural. A true janitor. A master of the janitorial arts. Your great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather would have been proud,” Master Kito said.

“But, I’m not ready, Master. I can’t protect Takosu No Buritō Riron on my own,” Arturo said.

“You won’t be on your own,” Kito looked around at Bobby, Hakuro, and Mikio. “Good luck, my friend,” he said and closed his eyes a final time.

Mikio was hunched over the lead agent’s dead body. He had beaten him to death. He finally stood up and tossed the agent’s body to the center of the clearing. He looked to the other gorillas and nodded.

The other gorillas gathered the other unconscious and wounded agents and piled them up on top of their fallen leader.

Bobby stood beside Professor Fandanglesburgerstein, who was still unconscious.

“I knew they’d be wearing shoes. Dammit,” Mikio said and began pouring a canister of lamp oil on the pile of agents.

“Mikio, that’s enough,” Arturo said. “We’ll deal with them another way.”

“But, they killed Kito!” Mikio said.

“Another way,” Arturo said.

“Fine. I’m going to pee on them though. Cool?” Mikio said and climbed on top of the pile of agents and started to urinate.

“And what about him?” Bobby said, looking at Professor Fandanglesburgerstein.

“Wake him up,” Arturo said.

>>>THE END (Read: TakosuBuritō Awakens)<<<

The other gorillas followed Mikio’s lead and relieved themselves on the agents. The unconscious ones were awoken by stinky gorilla pee trickling down their face, but unable to move because of either injuries sustained or other heavy agents on top of them.

Professor Fandanglesburgerstein was tied to a bamboo shoot nearby.

“You’re not hearing me,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said. “You can join us. With the true Taco Burrito Theory, we’d be unstoppable.”

“That’s not what the Theory was ever meant for,” Arturo said.

“You’re wrong. We can control this world and every world beyond it. We will rid it of evil, stupidity, waste, all the while a select group of us enjoy the comforts of having total control,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said. “We can live however we please!”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Arturo said. “Every world beyond it?”

“Oh yes,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said. “Earth is just the beginning. It’s a springboard to finding life and habitable planets outside of our galaxy. Like I said, the possibilities of the Taco Burrito Theory are truly endless.”

“So you plan to not only take control of the human race, but alien races you discover, too?” Arturo said.

“Exactly,” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said. “Think about it. The unknown technology. The unknown knowledge an alien race must behold. And we can have it all. Control it all.”

Mikio had been listening to all of this. He had made him self another bowl of spicy noodles, although his stomach was starting to feel a little funny after the first one earlier. He started laughing.

“You know, Doc, I’ve got some friends who really wouldn’t like what you’re talking about here,” Mikio said.

Mikio lifted his foot and began rubbing the alien marking.

“That’s worked before. I don’t know, we’ll see,” Mikio said and continued eating his noodles.

A bright, blinding light shone through the misty night sky. A loud wavering sound deafened the mountain forest. Through breaks in the mist, some sort of metallic spacecraft appeared. It hovered above the dojo clearing.

“No way!” Hakuro shouted. “Awesome. Awesome. Awesome!”

In the middle of the clearing, a strange alien figure appeared and slowly approached Mikio.

“Hey, dude! What’s going on?” Mikio said. “How’s Stacy and the kids?”

The figure didn’t speak, but was clearly communicating with Mikio.

“Good to hear. Well, man, it has been a rough night here. Look at the pile of shoe-wearing fuckers over here.

I know, right? It’s messed up. They got Kito.”

The alien figure remained silent.

“Anyways, I called you here because of what this dude over here was saying. He wants to destroy all the aliens or something.”

The figure headed towards Professor Fandanglesburgerstein, still tied up and staring on in disbelief.

“I knew it was possible!” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said. “After all these years. I was right!”

Suddenly, Professor Fandanglesburgerstein started screaming and struggling in his ropes. He was clenching his eyes shut and kicking his legs.

“Fine. Fine. Okay! I’ll tell you everything!” Professor Fandanglesburgerstein said and disappeared.

“Alright man, thanks! Hey, would you mind dropping little man off to his house before you go, it’s pretty late. Plus, I think he’d dig your ship,” Mikio said. “Sweet, thanks! See you later. Safe travels, my brotha.”

With that, Hakuro waved goodbye and instantly disappeared along with the alien figure, the pile of black-ops agents, the bright lights, the loud noise, and the spaceship.

“What was that all about?” Bobby said.

“Let’s just say, I’m a pretty well connected gorilla,” Mikio said. “My friends will take care of Franklesburgers and his evil compadres. I’ve got no doubt about that. They’re all about keeping the galactic peace and what not.”

“So now what,” Arturo said.

“Well, I’m going to finish these noodles. Then I say we give Kito a bitchin’ funeral, we clean up the dojo, and we keep on keepin’ on,” Mikio said.

“Okay, but how do we do that?” Arturo said.

“I don’t know. We protect the Taco Burrito Theory and stuff like always. I eat a lot of leaves and bananas. You guys know I talk now, so we can talk about stuff. Shit, I don’t know man, we’ll figure it out,” Mikio said.

“And the aliens? You’re sure they’ll take care of Fandanglesburgerstein’s people?” Arturo said.

“Well, shit man, we can check on it tomorrow. Okay?” Mikio said.

“Fine. There any more noodles left?” Arturo said. “I’m starving.”

“Uh…” Mikio said. “I guess I should’ve made more. I don’t cook much, I’m still learning about portion sizes and all that.”

“I’ll call for a pizza,” Bobby said. “You guys like olives or no?”

THE END…For Now